Re-Writes (original): The Flayed Ones Tear Forth

This is a start of something a little different.
In these segments, I am going to first post something that I have written before. Then, over the course of the next week or so, the intention is to re-write it to make it better and/or to extend it and then post the new and (hopefully) improved piece.

This first one was written for a minor competition four or five years ago for a forum called "The C'Tan Support Group", a forum for people who are interested in the Necron race from the Warhammer 40K universe.
This was written over the course of about a day or so, as John and Moss can attest to as we were waiting for the rain to pass when we were caravanning near Forster at the time, then later edited a bit when I typed it up.
Got me first place and custom naming rights for my forum avatar... though, to be fair, only five people entered and two of those were under the age of 15. But, hey... victory.
It's kinda... meh. Should be pretty clear where it can be improved... though I'd like to think that I can at least probe and possibly disgust all of the senses by the end.
Should be an interesting exercise.

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The Flayed Ones Tear Forth

 

Joe Brown surveyed the vast plains of the farm from the hill. The sun beat down warmly in the evening, the long day's work complete. He brushed away a bead of sweat from his chin before returning the full brimmed hat to his head and remounting Riverdash. With a gentle heel to the ribs of the horse, Joe rode down the side of the rolling hill. The sun's warmth was replaced by a cool shade towards the bottom. A twilight breeze kicked up from the south and, by the time the habitation facility was visible through the rows of the crops, only the glow of moonlight illuminated the area.

Bright flashes erupted everywhere. The startled horse bucked and cast Joe into the cold dirt. Multiple deafening cracks from all around overrode both the horse's neigh and his shout of pain. He rolled over and slowly tried to get up as Riverdash bolted through the fields. Pounding pain throbbed through his head and his right arm gave sharp jolts when he tried to move it. His gait was unsteady and he had to lean up against a corn stalk to stabilise himself. Concussion and the flashes of light combined to give him blurred vision. Joe started to stumble confusedly in the direction of the habitation facility when he saw dim light reflecting off a looming figure. Though he couldn't see properly, there was clearly no good intent in the way it held itself. In the distance, the stable of horses were whinnying and the bellow of shotguns could be heard. Joe turned and started to run, but the injuries he sustained overwhelmed his sense of balance. He fell to the ground, a loud snap signifying that his right arm had now well and truly broken. A small whimper left him as slicing pain cut through his back. His legs no longer worked when he tried to move. Distant screaming replaced the shotgun blasts as Joe used his one good arm to face his assailant. The dead weight of his lower body prevented him from fully turning over before his pain was stopped forever.

***

The shelter was packed. People were sprawling everywhere in the dimly lit enclosed space. Heavy tension was thick through the damp air. The odour of sweat pervaded the atmosphere as dour faces spoke many rumours. Brian Stanton moved through the milling crowd, listening to various versions of the events above ground whenever he was forced to stop.
“I heard that the northern continent hive was attacked by the ruinous powers and -”
He was pushed on by the force of the crowd.

“-ern continent was hit first. Nobody has heard from the central lands either. I don't think that any one will.”

“Why not?”

“Well, if it started at the north continent, it will move around it and that means that the central lands would have to be -”

The direction of the melancholy crowd shifted again.

“-anids are vile alien creatures. They're evil and will eat you alive and -”

Though all the rumours were different, one thing in common was that they all spelled doom for the people here. He turned and tried to go against the tide of the crowd but the waves of people kept pushing him deeper into the bunker. He forced himself to the walls and slowly drew himself back up the hill towards the entrance. A booming voice piped up above the crowd.

“The Emperor is coming for us! The heretics amongst us will be punished!” Brian turned to see the the voice belonging to someone being held aloft by fellow men. “You can not hide! Your soul will be damned for eternity when -” A series of low booms was heard overhead as the underground caverns shook slightly. A few shrill screams pierced the air. Moments more passed in silence until, “Hear the Emperor meting out divine justice above! Your time has come! Repent!” Brian moved on in earnest, eager to get through the discomforted crowds. The steady repetition of shelling above thudded through the complex, getting slightly louder as he moved closer to the entrance.

It was a full five minutes of jostling through the crowd before he arrived at his destination. The hive leaders were having heated arguments with the sergeants of the soldiers stationed to protect the public from what was going on outside. Behind them, soldiers were sitting intently viewing pict-screens of the outside world. Some had headphones on, listening in to and feeding intelligence back out to those out in the streets.

The structure shook violently, throwing many to the ground. A giant boom cracked overhead. Crumbling masonry and dirt filtered through the cool air as screams erupted from the frightened crowd below. Confused, Brian looked around at the carnage and caught a glimpse of one of the pict-screens. Where there was once buildings now lay smoking rubble. Soldiers with headphones were rapidly speaking.

“No, you can't... Look, I'll get my sarge but he's probably going to tell you exactly what I just said.” An officer got up and pulled one of the arguing sergeants aside. He whispered something that Brian couldn't hear, to which the sergeant nodded and headed over to the to the communications equipment.

“Put him on loudspeaker, Woods.” With a flick of a switch, the sounds of battle could be heard.

“This is Sergeant Jackson of Ess Dee Four Three.” His commanding voice was calm and in direct contrast to the frantic voice on the other end of the static filled speakers.

“Sergeant Palmer of the twenty third. We need to get inside! It's the only way that we'll all make it through!”

“You know the rules, Palmer. Nothing leaves or enters shelters until -”

“I don't care! You aren't going to survive this! Didn't you feel that? That was the building next to us exploding! We are stationed in your building and I lost half my men to the debris! There is no way that- HRRGGAAAAAAGHH!!!” Everybody in earshot froze in shock. The blood curdling scream ripped through the radio for a moment, then nothing but static could be heard.

“... Line's dead, sir.” Woods switched off the speakers, head bowed in dismay.

“... What happened to him?” Brian asked. The sergeant turned to him and recognised him for what he was.

“What are you doing here, civilian? You aren't supposed to be here! Woods, escort him out of-” He stopped and whipped out his laspistol. “What's that behind you?”

The communications officer turned around to see a translucent figure looming above him. A snake-like tail hung down from a hovering body. An unnatural ribcage held up broad stooped shoulders. A long skull-like metal head peered malevolently out of the shoulders. The wispy body suddenly became opaque as arm-length taloned fingers swiped forward. Woods only reaction was to launch backward on the seat. The claws caught an arm, effortlessly slicing it off. He screamed as the thing pressed its attack, wrapping the lengthy tail around him. The jagged edges of the tail forced their way into him, multiple electric shocks sending Woods into convulsions as his tortured shouts filled the air.

“Fire at will!” Jackson took aim at the being holding the now unconscious Woods. Other soldiers did the same with their Lasguns. The thing tossed Woods aside into a group of soldiers and turned translucent again. Streaks of light passed straight through its body, seemingly without causing any damage.

“What the hell is that thing?” Brian's shouted over the calls of soldiers. Jackson pushed him behind an upended table.

“Get out of here! This is no place for you! Run and hide!”

Brian peeked out from behind the table. Another ghostly monstrosity floated through the blocked entrance way.

“Another one came through the door!”

“Impossible...” Jackson whispered as the new one tore a gaping hole in an unlucky soldier. As the soldiers turned to fire at the new threat, the first one seized the initiative. It regained its physical form and zipped towards a distracted soldier, the force of the blow shattering his skull. The tail lashed into another soldier, electric shocks in the chest ensuring that he too would not get back up. The confused soldiers split their fire. The first figure was hit directly in its featureless face, and dropped heavily to the ground. The other one shifted back into its incorporeal form and drifted around. “Keep firing! Stop it from being solid!” The phantom lurched towards the crowds of people, catching the soldiers off guard. “Stop it!”

The men began to run towards the crowd but were stopped by numerous blinding lights and a loud whip-like crack. They jumped for the nearest cover as the lights quickly grew into tall stooped figures and the fully tangible warriors were able to be seen. Their features were spine-chilling solid skeletal constructs. The hulking bodies were silver, the dim lighting of the underground cavern reflecting off shiny limbs and metal ribs. Their smooth heads held the same menacing stare as the wraith-like creatures, their kyphotic stance just as sinister. Just like the ghosts, their fingers were long razor sharp implements. Several of the beings had teleported directly into people. The mass of metal and flesh combined and toppled. As soon as the conglomeration hit the ground, the metal disappeared in another flash of light and left only the hideously deformed remains of a person.

“Fire at the new things!” Jackson's voice now somewhat shaky as more flashes and cracks entered the cavern.

A series of lasers pierced the dusty air but the new marauders seemed unfazed, shrugging off what would normally kill a person. Swipes of their terrifying blades cut down horrified men like butter. Brian started running, face streaming, even before the sergeant ordered the call for his men to do the same.

A new stench entered the foetid air. Brian turned to see some of the fallen soldiers being shredded by the metal skeletons. Some metallic beasts were no longer bare skeletal constructs for they had grotesque skins. The nearest one tore through Jackson and opened his abdomen, a new wave of nausea hitting Brian just as hard as the reeking of ruptured bowels filling his nostrils. He collapsed and threw up as the being eviscerated the sergeant. He was too shaky to get to his feet as the sickening beast sliced the skin off the person and slid into it. Entrails and blood dribbled down the exoskeleton. Shreds of clothing quivered as bone fragments jutted out at odd angles. Brian trembled violently, dry heaving as he saw metal feet move towards him. Even over the discordant screams, he could hear the squelching of tangled internal organs as the abomination approached. Time slowed as he tearfully looked up at his death.

Multiple blades pierced his body and perforated internal organs. His eyes widened as the blades slid through his abdomen into his chest cavity. The cold metal arms forced Brian to his feet. Only a bloody gurgle dribbled out of his mouth as a second set of blades impaled him. The terror twisted its talons within him as Brian began to crumple forward. The thing ducked and wrenched open the rib cage, the horrifying eruption of blood, viscera and other internal fluids showering the ground. It allowed what was left of the body to fall on top of itself, adding another gruesome pelt to its skeletal form.

The metallic beast had to pause and slice openings for its optical sensors before rejoining the silent legions marching without compromise to certain death.